Saturday, December 5, 2009

Handicapping Tiger's tarts

While the sports media focuses on "Can Tiger focus on the game?" and mainstream press is already spinning how he can rehabilitate his image, and tabloid blogdom tracks down photos of the major players, I am more interested in who is best going to capitalize on sleazy celebrity. As of this writing, there is no telling how many more tarts will come out of the rough (or how many have already taken their payoffs and will never be known, until they realize they can make more cash by spilling the dirt.) If you're offended by my referring to these women as "tarts," they ALL knew Tiger Woods was married, so I don't care how "misunderstood" Tiger felt, or whether it was fueled by drinking or Ambien, or if they secretly thought they could cash in at some point. It's not like Tiger lied to them about not being married. That makes them tarts in my book. But not all will actually strike gold and attain the level of true whoredom. Here are the odds:

Double bogey: Rachel Uchitel, the original tart, flubbed her golden opportunity by apparently lying about lying. She should have known there were more like her around, and now she's playing the "too many secrets to talk" game, hinting that she can spread the wealth if she so chooses and thus is a valuable asset to the trash media. Sorry, the spin cycle on any one tart will be too short and there are already so many players you need a score card. Still she nabbed a reported $3 mil, so at least she's set the bar.

One over par: Jamie Jungers, allegedly linked to alleged infidelity; tied with all the others who will soon emerge (a fifth has reportedly gotten a lawyer and two others have reportedly sold their stories to the press). The ones who move the fastest will strike the most gold, unless one of them hit the jackpot with a secret sex tape.

Par: Kalika Moquin, who apparently is playing it cool and seems content to cash in while not appearing trashy--presenting herself as an "above it all" no-comment and maybe hoping to come out as somehow respectable and thus having a chance at a life where she's not remembered as a tart.

One under par: Jamie Grubb--she is giving the impression that she will do anything (and probably has) for a buck, and she is eager to dish out whatever it takes, even if she has to err on the side of sensationalism. The only sand trap is she is a little trashier than the rest of the card, so attention may go to those with better quotes.

Hole in one: Elin Nordegren, the estranged wife. And after this week, no jury on Earth would convict her of assault. Considering the rich opportunities for disease, she could easily claim self-defense. But one wonders if it will be worth $80 million to show up at golf tournaments, smile, and wave to the camera while standing by her man?

And Tiger? You have to wonder why he ever got married. If it was just to further his image as the squeaky-clean, hard-working family man suitable for corporate sponsorships, then he deserves everything he has coming to him.

Another thought: Instead of trying to pay off all these tarts and turn them into whores, why doesn't he just tell them to go ahead and spill the beans? He might even get more tarts if the reports are favorable.

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