Friday, October 7, 2011

14 Rules for Pretending To Be a Dad

My 11-year-old daughter is hosting a couple of friends for the Ghost Train theme park, and I get to play chauffeur and chaperone. But I was also handed a list of rules on how to "pretend to be normal" so that I don't embarrass her, including not chauffeuring in my rusty Subaru or rustier truck.

1. Do not say howdy.
2. Do not wear sweatpants.
3. Drive Lexie's car.
4. Carry a cell phone at all times.
5. Do not say stupid stuff.
6. Act like a banker.
7. Do not make alien noises.
8. Do not fall asleep.
9. Do not wander around aimlessly.
10. Do not talk to my friends except saying stuff like "Did you have fun" or other 'normal' things to say.
11. Do not wear strange things from dumpsters.
12. Make small talk.
13. 'Organic' and 'natural' things are banned.
14. Only drive where we tell you to drive.

I can hardly wait!

P.S. She also gave me a script of what to say to the moms of the girls who called asking about the invitation.
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23 comments:

David H. Burton said...

I keep asking mine if I embarrass them yet....apparently, I'm not trying hard enough. But now I have a list of wonderful ideas. Thanks!!

author Scott Nicholson said...

Haha, just wait until "Drop me off here and pretend you don't know me. And, can I have some money?"

Candice L Davis said...

My 13-year old daughter is disturbed by the fact that her friends actually seem to like me. You can't win!

Tonya Kappes said...

Been there....still doing that with four teenage boys!

JL Bryan said...

No alien noises OR aimless wandering? I'd lose my mind!

author Scott Nicholson said...

We endeavor to persevere. It's the banker thing I will have the hardest time with. How do they act? Rich? Cologny?

Layton Green said...

Ok, that is one of the coolest posts ever. I feel like I know you much better now, Scott.

SBJones said...

Haha, that's awesome.

Neal Hock said...

Haha! Love the list. It gave me a good laugh. Thanks!

-Neal

author Scott Nicholson said...

I should start a "Sh*t My Daughter Says" meme. It's much more interesting than my blather!

David Gaughran said...

Ha! Love it.

You could have fun with #6 though...

Charlie Pulsipher said...

That means dinosaur noises are okay! You'll be fine.

author Scott Nicholson said...

By 5 o'clock, I've only broken five of them, and only four of them deliberately...

Anne R. Allen said...

I think a sh*t my daughter says blog would be awesome.

This makes me so happy I didn't reproduce. There are some perks to being an old maid. Like wandering around aimlessly in sweatpants, making alien noises. These things are actually expected of me.

J.R. Rain said...

Scott, this made me laugh. Too funny!

You sound like a cool dad. She will see that someday.

Draven Ames said...

Too funny. I could see my son doing something like this. Great list, by the way.

author Christa Polkinhorn said...

"Do not wear strange things from dumpsters." - Scott, I knew you were weird but that tops it. No wonder you have such a large selection of . . . let's say unusual hats. LOL.
Christa

author Scott Nicholson said...

Anne, I practically live in sweat pants! Don't know about those noises, though!

J.R., at least I was the one who got to lead the group...

Draven, my favorite was when she told me "Somebody HAS to be the world's dumbest scientist..."

Christa, I got my first real wardrobe out of a dumpster, somebody was moving out apparently. I still have some of the clothes...

Regge Ridgway said...

Great post Scott. It's our duty as Dads to embarrass our daughters.

Regge Ridgway said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brenda Wallace said...

Howdy Scott! This is one of my favorite posts of all time. Sounds like she probably needed to define "normal." How many rules did you wind up breaking? I would love to see her script for responding to mom calls. Thanks for sharing.

author Scott Nicholson said...

thanks for sharing, Regge and Brenda! I think I broke about nine of them, including "Act like a banker." But I may have moved over into the realm of the "cool parent" with the other kids, if not with my daughter.

Lindsay said...

Can't say howdy? I hope you're being paid well for this gig. :D